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Sarah Callaham

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I Just Want a Cookie.

Posted on June 11, 2017 at 1:15 AM


I just want a cookie. Or maybe chocolate covered almonds. Or that aioli I made before I started the cleanse, that's ok right?

Hello cravings. For the first time during this cleanse I am feeling the brain. The cravings. The strong pull and manipulation of the mind. Logistically reasoning with me that it's ok to have any of the above things....or maybe even a piece of toast with jam. No! Gah. It just won't quit.

To the point where I feel like I should maybe just quit. That its too hard. Or that I actually should quit because this can't be good for me. I eat healthy. Why am I changing things? This isn't right. It's pointless. A waste. It's better if I stop. If I give in.

But I am not someone who throws in the towel easily on anything. Just ask my parents. My friends. My fiancé. I don't give up even when all the signs are telling me too. Even when I am doing physical harm to my body. So why now? Why is my brain telling me to quit now?

Because it would be easy. Because this doesn't really matter, does it? In the past 10 years, I haven't seriously put myself first. I have followed along with game plans of past relationships. I have focused on my work more than my health. I have run myself to the ground to distract my brain from dealing with stress or pain. I have always found someone else to focus on or help, whether it was conscious or not. So now, when I am forcing myself to truly put attention on me, from the inside out. From a deeply personal platform-food-my brain doesn't know how to handle it. It can take the pressure of having to prioritize myself. Of not caving into that one little bite. Brain on sugar is like a brain on cocaine. Like when can I get my next fix.

But I won't give in. I look at this as a metaphor for every other challenge I am working through. That if I give in here. If I quit now, then what? What does that say about being able to get through the real struggles in my personal life? I can do it. But dammit I just want a cookie.

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